QOTD: Who ate all the pies?

I’ve just finished reading The other hand by an author called Chris cleave. This Nigerian proverb stood alone on one of the final pages of the novel. It’s food for thought- so I’ll leave you to chew over this one.

“If your face is swollen from the severe beatings of life, smile and pretend to be a fat man.”

Nigerian Proverb

Relationship 101: The art of pursuit.

Picture the scene. You’re alone in a dry desolate place. For this purpose, lets call it the desert. There is nothing but you and the sand dusting up your shoes. A tumbleweed just rolls pass- pushed along by some ghost like figure called The wind. You look to your right and then you look to your left. There is no visible life, but desert land for miles and miles in each direction. You need a sign, some sort of indication to let you know where you are. But hold on a minute, what’s that you can see in the distance? You squint. Your left eye a little more closed than the right. In the distance you can make out a signpost further up, about 250 yards away. You begin to walk up to it until your heart drops as you internally mull over the words on the metal frame.

“Welcome to Singleness- a place everyone will visit at some point- but only the fortunate ones survive and live to tell the tale. How long you stay is entirely up to you. Population number: You, yourself and errm you!”

In ode to Valentines Day being eminently just around the corner again, for some of us, its just another day that we will fulfil our duties of going to work/ school/ college etc and walk straight past the gimmicks of love hearts and teddy bears totally unaffected by yet another ploy to separate us from our hard earned cash. Yet somewhere out there, there is someone screaming out from the Single town asking when will it be my turn. Lest we forget that at times, it can feel and appear that we are the only ones without a ‘boo’-and are aptly trapped in the wilderness with lack of choice and options in the relationship department.

Now I’ve hit my twenties and can no longer comfortably tick the 18-21 box, age is more of an issue- a clear sign that I’m getting old(er). Meaning that goals and aspirations I may have set in my teens are now under serious evaluation than ever before, checking to see if I’m any closer than I was in the beginning. Every where I go, regardless the circle of friends there seems to be the same rolling topic in conversation which usually begins with, “So, how’s your love life.” If not directed at myself, then it usually serves the purpose of a topic shifter at the dinner table or whatever the social setting. For whatever reason a large majority of us twenty something's believe that time is ticking and for the females the biological clock even more so. We’re being made to think if we’re not dating someone now, then we won’t be engaged by 24, married by 25 and pushing out the first baby by 27.

But, what happens if you don’t particularly want to slow down. If you want the girl/ guy of your dreams and you want them now- what then do you do? You take advice from the best there is. The people who made the rules to the game. No longer is dating as easy as boy meets girl, fall in love, meet the parents, walk down the aisle. Today we psychoanalyze if he really is that into you and people like Alex “Hitch” Hitchens actually exist. Appearing in the flesh as people such as Paul Carrick Brunson and Rachel Greenwald. Help is available to those who may never have had a shot with the man/ woman of their dreams just by placing them in the right situations at the right time or saying the right words when the moment strikes. The plethora of relationship aids out there are available for the single person today are numerous. And a lot of , if not all of how to snag that man/woman is all to do with the mind. In a recent discussion I had with some friends, my naive self was exposed to the games that men and women play to set up the trap- that ultimately leads their ideal spouse into their arms.

• Understand that Ignorance in bliss. What they don’t know, can’t hurt them. You can’t predict what is going to happen next- but you can always be one step ahead, so you play things out one step at a time.
• Aloofness: One of the biggest principles displayed. Add some mystery. You could be the biggest simpleton on the earth- but by conjuring up some mystery about yourself you can become intriguing. Don’t give too much of yourself away at the beginning of the game. Remember that it is all about the subtlety.
• It’s all in the little things. The places they go, the friends they have etc. Without having stalker tendencies and risk being slapped with a restraining order, in the early stages we should be doing our homework- making sure that we can woo and woo well.
• Who or what is their rock? Their go-to when times get tough? Well if it isn’t you then it needs to be, Make them feel that they are completely dependant on you. Because then most of the hard work would have been done. You’ll have them where you wanted, and don’t forget the fact that you should always give importance to what is important to that person. Even if it’s their child from a previous relationship or a pet hamster.

So, although the above is just a snippet of the many games/rules available let’s say you follow the rules and you finally have the man/ woman of your dreams. On the exterior you look hot together- a real power couple possibly rivalling Beyoncé and Jay-Z/ Michelle and Barak/ Will and Jada. Everything is going swell, you’ve met the parents and things seem great. The engagement ring is sitting on the finger and one of you is about to change your last name. You’ve clinched the target. The game is over now -mission accomplished. Right?

With all this talk about how to get the one you want, there seems to be a void concerning staying with the one you're with and maintaining satisfaction in the relationship.The world has not mastered that yet and the divorce rates in society are a prime example of such evidence. So, what are we really pursuing? We place all this time and energy into reading the signs, reading in-between the lines, around the lines, behind the lines that we have ceased to step back and actually look at the sentence as a whole. Were really after their heart or just after their hand? The games we play are fun, its a challenge to see if we really can get the person we have always dreamed of but what’s the success rate behind it actually lasting? It seems now that we’re more inclined with the actual thrill of “the initial pursuit” than we are with maintaining the standards we set to achieve the guy/ girl . Boredom or “irreconcilable differences” as stated on many divorce certificates would prove to suggest that the challenge we once looked at with eager eyes doesn’t seem so stimulating anymore- the fun of the pursuit has ended. So, as a result we deviate from everything we worked so hard to get initially.

It’s beyond me that guys/ girls who have some of the worlds most beautiful women/ men on their am will willing cheat with people who are a meagre fraction of those they married. But after thinking about why cheating occurs in relationship pursuit is the key reason. It’s a hurdle that couples are faltering at- because there are new challenges and distractions elsewhere. Wedding pictures look good, but in five years down the line is the marriage a mirror image of how good the couple looked in the picture? Those in relationships (men and women) need to think about whether we are willing to keep pursuing the heart of the one we love when the wedding day is over and the marriage begins. There are too many easy options i.e. divorce/ separation/ friends with benefits but it’s not tackling the issue real issue that giving in and giving up is a cop out and only highlights the issue that very few are willing to pursue and stand by the vows they make. Both the man and the woman need to make sure they do their best to keep their other half satisfied emotionally, spiritually and physically. If pursuit ends when the rings on the finger than the battle’s lost- no matter how hard you had to fight in the beginning.

“Eagerly pursue and seek to acquire this love [make it your aim your great quest]”

1st Corinthians 14:1

I came. I saw. I blog.

Ruthie x

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